I fell in love just to runaway from it.
Lying to stay far away from those who truly cared.
Gone was my mind to ease the pain.
The critiques of my self conscious hurt more than anything physical.
Help me to feel.
Don't tease me with instant fixes.
I've tried so many already.
Nothing works.
Give me something that will last forever.
Something that my humanity can cling to.
I don't know what it is to be truly alive.
Vulnerable...
I'm an empty vessel,
Programmed to know exactly what to say and when to say it.
Emotionless.
Charming them with my misleading disposition.
The feeling is not good enough.
It's not real.
Not real happiness.
I vanish in a blink of an eye.
Committing to no one.
Not caring for the tattered souls I've left in my wake.
For I do not even care for myself.
Lost in my own thoughts.
Worries, Anxieties, Regrets.
Masking the pain through a sunny face.
I want it to end,
but it's not done with me yet.
This darkness follows me everywhere,
My security blanket.
The only thing that's been constant in my life.
Pathetic.
But it saves me.
Saves me from those who don't understand.
The Judgements.
Distant memories that sting.
The past looming over me as I trudge towards my future,
It haunts me.
Mercilessly taunting me what could have been.
Every day a constant reminder.
This vicious cycle I am not spared from.
I deserved it.
Easily have I solved others' problems.
Wishful thinking, that someone would do the same for me.
My internal cry for help fell on deaf ears.
As they watched me in wonder while I self destructed.
Not any one's fault but my own.
How would they know?
Foolish pride held my tongue.
My mask never slipped out of place.
"Please make me forget."
I said.
Forget what?
.....They never asked.
(An older post. The one that I never posted.)
Today, I forgave myself.
After all the Internal torment I've faced,
finally realized that I was being too hard on myself.
What's done, is done.
What's been said, has been said.
I am only human.
A new beginning.
Over night my soul has been healed.
A burden lifted.
Brighter horizons.
I will give myself endless opportunities.
Conquer them all.
I love myself.
No longer am I waiting for a hero,
Some one to rescue me from myself.
Today, I banish everything.
My mistakes are but healthy reminders.
Times which are long gone,
Times that have died in the back recesses of my mind.
Lightness and serenity will engulf me.
This is my chance to shine.
