Forgive and Forget

Time.....I've wasted half my life just to live without purpose.
I fell in love just to runaway from it.
Lying to stay far away from those who truly cared. 
Gone was my mind to ease the pain. 
The critiques of my self conscious hurt more than anything physical.
Help me to feel.
Don't tease me with instant fixes.
I've tried so many already. 
Nothing works. 
Give me something that will last forever. 
Something that my humanity can cling to.
I don't know what it is to be truly alive. 
Vulnerable...
I'm an empty vessel, 
Programmed to know exactly what to say and when to say it. 
Emotionless.
Charming them with my misleading disposition.
The feeling is not good enough. 
It's not real. 
Not real happiness. 
I vanish in a blink of an eye. 
Committing to no one. 
Not caring for the tattered souls I've left in my wake.
For I do not even care for myself. 
Lost in my own thoughts.
Worries, Anxieties, Regrets.
Masking the pain through a sunny face.
I want it to end, 
but it's not done with me yet. 
This darkness follows me everywhere, 
My security blanket.
The only thing that's been constant in my life.
Pathetic. 
But it saves me.
Saves me from those who don't understand. 
The Judgements. 
Distant memories that sting. 
The past looming over me as I trudge towards my future,
It haunts me.
Mercilessly taunting me what could have been.
Every day a constant reminder. 
This vicious cycle I am not spared from. 
I deserved it. 
Easily have I solved others' problems.
Wishful thinking, that someone would do the same for me.
My internal cry for help fell on deaf ears.
As they watched me in wonder while I self destructed. 
Not any one's fault but my own. 
How would they know? 
Foolish pride held my tongue.
My mask never slipped out of place. 
"Please make me forget."
I said.
Forget what? 
.....They never asked. 
(An older post. The one that I never posted.) 


Today, I forgave myself. 
After all the Internal torment I've faced, 
finally realized that I was being too hard on myself.
What's done, is done. 
What's been said, has been said. 
I am only human. 
A new beginning. 
Over night my soul has been healed.
A burden lifted. 
Brighter horizons. 
I will give myself endless opportunities. 
Conquer them all. 
I love myself. 
No longer am I waiting for a hero, 
Some one to rescue me from myself. 
Today, I banish everything. 
My mistakes are but healthy reminders.
Times which are long gone,
Times that have died in the back recesses of my mind.
Lightness and serenity will engulf me. 
This is my chance to shine. 

Shooting Mirrors

   Why is it that we take jabs at the people that we deem "different" from the norm. When we, ourselves, lose our own individuality, over conforming into an unrealistic ideal? Everyone person is different from the other. There is no right or wrong only different shades of gray. We are who we are meant to be. One way or another everyone will see you for exactly who you are....yourself.


It started with a negative thought. 


   A poisonous black seed that embedded itself into the soils of our troubled fertile mind. Something so little that in several years time its roots burrowed into the lobes of our brain twisted around our nerves, controlling our every move. It  grew and grew. Our once minuscule issue turned into a colossus oak tree in what seemed over night. A problem that handicapped us from achieving the lifestyle we dreamed of having. Worse than gluttony or lust. Greed or envy. A sin so terrible that it would've been band from all mankind....self loathing. 


Shoot the mirror. It's already broken. Why not take the broken pieces and start fresh?Construct our own mirror. Build it up to be everything we had wanted it to be. 

Sick Addiction

Toss me into a sea of bliss

Numb me completely to all of this

Take all my troubles and despair

Sheild me away from the sun’s glare

Paralize me so I can't run away

Please give me a reason stay

Let me float in and out- this pleasure,

This little something I forgot to measure...

Shot right through my brain

Make me go insane

Give me power, make me frozen,

Make me smile, let me love

Give me sinful visions that I must face.

I do more than imagine these in this place

All the beauty, all the horror-

Heaven and hell: allow me to tour

Induce the rush of insanity

Let me dream- this is my plea

Let me ride in the sky,

Grow me some wings so away I can fly

Give me strength to carry on

To hold on to these feelings, before I’m gone

Let me slide into this ecstasy-

Be the one who doesn't let go of me

Allow me to push the limits of myself

Let me feed into this drugged help

Give me the energy to love life-

Into a pool of stars I'll dive

Drag me out of this mess

Let me confess.

Have I Tainted You Yet.

I'm waiting for you.
Whispering soft endearments from the echoing distance.
Raising goosebumps on your flesh.
My succulent scent allures you like a beacon to your ever wandering radar.
You become clumsy,
Staggering with words,
Red fire that burns from under your skin when you stare.
I know what I do to you.
If only you could feel the brush of my soft fingertips sliding down your spine,
Skin on Skin.
Let me savor your musk as I nuzzle into your broad shoulder,
Breathing into your neck
"Mine."
Time is not granting me your warmth
Misery with each ticking second
Seducer of agony,
Mark me with your piercing teeth ...anything to bring you closer.
Waiting can only last for so long
Don't watch me saunter away to my next victim.

Realizations

Loud boisterous voices forever silenced
Meaningless days of simplicity have gone and past
Facing my darkest opponent
Dreary times always last.
Searing through my core
One of the latest criticisms
Of my lack of trying and my self wallowing dispositions
Irony plaguing every aspect of my life
Offering advice I myself have yet to take
Warning them away from not making all my past mistakes
Recognizing one's passions has not been the same
Losing one's self to the swallowing abyss
Tearing myself from the one's I love most
Tender love and affection does nothing to soften the fatal blow.
Finding out that most of my existence was just for show.
Lazy mindsets, the worst sort of poison
Corrupting my mind making nonsensical justifications
Fearing life as it hits you like a bullet from a loaded gun
Hoping it will all soon be over.....
And yet it has just begun.

An Escape.

 We always seem to have one foot out the door, with everything that we do in life. Coming up with escape routes, devising back doors, mentally pulling us away from any given situation. Formulating plans of flight or just in turn, giving up completely. Given multiple chances of staying around, but too afraid of messing up a good thing…. leaving our problems in the dust as we keep running. Anxiety eats us up whole. Anxiety of fleeing from our issues scared of it chasing us. Eventually catching up to us. Letting go of all responsibilities and priorities to just disappear. Away. Anywhere, but here. Leaping from one opportunity to the next never slowing down. A rush. Just a simple game of cat and mouse. Dread building up from the pit of our stomachs filling us to the brim with apprehension. Awaiting for the inevitable. When the cat swallows us whole.

Wake Up.

What happens when we forget the things that used to bring us joy? The authentic quirks that are used to identify us as individuals. What are we to do when suddenly our once innocent delights turn sinister? A decaying of our mindsets.  Actually feeling our brains decompose and mesh with the rest of our rotten innards. In turn becoming a living corpse, something that masquerades as an everyday Joe…but hidden within, an empty shell. Dreading each day of the daily routine. Programmed to be alive, yet with no other guidance to tell us how to live. False enjoyments are set in place. Seducing us with whispering lies of happiness. Oh, what is to become of us? Living in a world of false pretences, grins, and barretts. Experiencing life at snails pace at the prime of our youth. Hope buried beneath grains of doubt. Doubting to ever live the way we were as children. Free-spirited and genuinely happy. Curious yet, naïve of what the world really entails for us. Just living in a time when our lives were the simplest. Why have we cheated ourselves out of the things we love to do most? Is it because we live in an idealized society where we deprive ourselves for the sake of being called a gentleman or a gentle woman? Are we just supposed to sit here idly and wait for our turn to shine when we have molded ourselves as one common entity? An empty shell waiting for years on end, just wasting time. For what? To wave at OUR moment as it passes by? What is it that we do that makes us so special? Let us pick up our scattered pieces of youth and figure out what it is that make us tick. It’s never too late to find out.